My first STD was from a foam party
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
