Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
