is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
