also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
