If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
You dont lie about slip and slides
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
