I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
My ATM looks so different sober.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
