Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Randomize
