I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
