my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
