you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Randomize
