SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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