Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
its not stalking. its research.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
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