If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
