While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
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