Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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