It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
