go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
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