My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
