The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
