Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Randomize
