someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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