at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Randomize
