have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
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