Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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