just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
