Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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