We're facebook friends in real life
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
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