my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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