drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
