My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
it's great music for shaving your balls
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
