Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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