new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize
