So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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