I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
