Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
