and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
