i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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