so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
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