everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
