4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
