I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
