areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize
