its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
