I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
