Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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