If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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