Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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