When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
