had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
