theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
It's official drugs can't kill me
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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