I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
