the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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